February 2012
4 posts
“Teaching cupcakes how to make children.”
– Albert
Asian Internationals
Her: Yeah, I straightened my hair!
Him: Wow, you look like you don't speak English.
Fairway
Me: I'm sorry I made all the bell peppers tumble down.
Grocery man: That's alright. What's more important is the Knicks won. That's right, Lin did it again.
January 2012
4 posts
Darth Vader Helmet
Her: How do I look?
Him: Have you ever seen Spaceballs?
Mango Edition of Zico
Mar: Would anybody want the rest of this?
Linda: (sips) Ech, it tastes like ass.
Mar: I thought it tasted like blood.
Linda: Emily, wanna try?
Emily: Oh definitely. Like I want to drink bloody ass.
“Look at that moustache. You look like a dirtbag. No wonder you don’t have...”
– Ale’s mom on ‘stache
December 2011
4 posts
+ VS -
J: “I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.”
S: That Janeane Garofalo line is pretty good. It reminds me of a joke about how optimists and pessimists should compromise and agree that the glass is half full...of piss.
“What is toodleloo?”
– the spaniard
His mom
G: Do you know who my mom finds the sexiest?
J: Who?
G: Hannibal Lecter.
J: You mean, Anthony Hopkins?
G: No. The character, Hannibal Lecter.
J: ...
G: I told her that he eats people but she says that's just a minor detail.
Brunch Reservations
Hostess: If less than 75% of your party shows up, you'll be charged an additional $10 per head.
Him: So we just need 7 and 1/2 people?
Hostess: ...yes...
She: Where are we going to find half a body?
Him: In my pants.
November 2011
4 posts
“Aaw. All the sperm got on her tail but none in her hole! =(”
– Matthew on his rabbits
Kim's idea of a hippie, apparently, was a white man over 45 not in a business suit. In Brooklyn we would have just said loser.
Stumptown
J: Portland is one of the greenest cities.
L: Because there are no Chinese people there?
Rustica Minardi chef
Her: I like your spectacles.
Him: Thanks. They were my grandfather's. Except he had bifocals. And purple lens. You can thank Al Pacino in Serpico for that.
October 2011
7 posts
“Oh, I know Annie Hall! It’s the one with the bald man and the little girl...”
– Cosette
the owl stated...
Her: Did you hear about the owl
Him: Who?
Her: Somewhere in africa I think, this guy saw a crippled owl so he saved the owl and took care of it. after a few months, the owl completely healed. but it will come back and visit the guy once in a while. It'll throw dead rats and bats and snakes at him as a sign of gratitude and love.
Him: Who?
Her: At the guy who saved him
Him: Who...
Her: It was on the news
Him: Who!!!
Her: I don't remember. It was an article
Him: That was a quote
Her: Omg. You just pulled an Abbott & Costello on me.
Him: When asked for a comment on his ordeal, the owl stated...
Her: I hate you.
“Is folk music, like songs from The Notebook? or black people music?”
Her: Boys can't multitask.
Him: Yes they can. Just not at the same time.
Text
Him: WoFriNi?
Her: What
Him: I said... do you want to get Wo Hop on Friday night?
Motorcycle Safety
Him: HJC makes good inexpensive helmets.
Him: You can find em at thrift stores every now and then too.
Her: How would I know if it's good or bad?
Him: Put it on and run full force into a wall.
“Oh no, I do not want to have a daughter. I’m not dealing with their drama...”
– Jennifer
September 2011
3 posts
“When i got to school I was repeatedly asked “so her name is really jeanie...”
– Rae, 10/6/2010
Belgie
J: Last night I dreamt that you came back to NY and we threw a party! We crawled into huge cardboard boxes and pretended to be astronauts. Shrug.
R: You were in my dream the other week too! We were chasing penguins and reeking havoc at some fancy company party in the Antarctic!
Spotted
RK: What's up Tyrese!
Tyrese: Nah. I'm just another black guy with a bike.
RK: Come on.
August 2011
2 posts
1955 Prom
J: Gonzo, you look amazing.
G: I know, Don Draper would be so proud of me.
“Ten years ago, the boob fairy passed over my house and totally forgot to come...”
– Cosi
July 2011
3 posts
Text
J: Text me when you get here.
G: Your Chanel dress has arrived.
“I have more of a chance dying now that I’m taking motorcycle classes. I...”
– Rae
J: Happy Thursday!!!!
G: You had sex, didn't you.
May 2011
5 posts
“Do you know why Brooklyn is better than Queens? Because when it rains STUFF...”
– Dozie
“I can’t see the line between charming and creepy.”
– Tim
April 2011
2 posts
East and West Harlem
“ACBD all run to Harlem but you have to take the right one. Just remember that the A,C train stands for Anglo-Crackers and the B,D trains stand for Blacks and Domincans.”
Prepare Your Liver
J: Saturday's party is called Prepare Your Liver.
S: Haha. I need a new liver.
S: And a vagina.
J: What's wrong with your vagina?
S: Overused.
March 2011
3 posts
On Multiple Orgasms
Him: You women are so lucky. I guess it compensates giving birth.
February 2011
2 posts
Alejandro
Him: if you ever do meth I'm going to slap you.
Her: you are so sweet
Him: like pimp slap you.
Him: korean wife slap you.
“My friend’s gonna get me Cuban cigars. If you play your cards right,...”
– Tim
January 2011
8 posts
“His body is so hot… I can wash my clothes on his ass.”
– Regina on Ryan Reynolds
Apartment Therapy
A: I've picked a theme a while ago
J: What was it?
A: Hippy Mid-Century Mad Men Chic.
J: LOLOLLLLL
A: Cowboy Mad Men. Yeah, really gay. In Austin a few years ago the theme was Chinese Slave in the Carribbean.
J: How did that look like?
A: Palm trees and Ernest Hemingway looking things like boats and telescopes.
Impossible Design
Only my boss would compare design to a visual of 300lb people having sex because no one wants to look at it.
“OW. They make my face hurt.”
– Katie eats a sour patch kid.
J: How old is he?
M: Slob. Slob years old.
“She said she loved me and didn’t even know why the fuck she did! And I...”
– Joe
Hipsters
G: Are those... fake glasses?
K: Why yes! =)
G: Well that's fuckin' stupid.